Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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