It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
did you just send me my own nude
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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