Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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