I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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