Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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