All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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