My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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