Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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