i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
