Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
