if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
