Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
