one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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