You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
