we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
