Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
