I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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