The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
