btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
