Whatcha textin bout Willis?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
