I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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