the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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