Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
