Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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