Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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