In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
