if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
