There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
