i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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