When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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