Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
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I got her a Nickelback box set.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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