what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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