my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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