Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
