The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
