he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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