I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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