My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
