I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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