I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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