I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
