my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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