Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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