I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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