I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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