We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You were trust falling into bushes
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
