Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
