I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
