When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
as a side note pls kill me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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