No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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