Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
