There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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