And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
