Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
