I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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