So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
