A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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