yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
